Tag Archives: Relationships

Relationship Counselling Temecula. Over the past twenty years there’s been targeted attention on the importance of emotional intelligence and remaining connected. The conjecture is that the greater the emotional intelligence of the couples relationship, the more successful the relationship. Emotional intelligence is a predictor of the “good enough” connection the couple has. What's really engaging about connection/attachment is it's a sustaining force in our life from birth to death. It increases our chances of surviving and having longevity over time. It is also the very first thing in our committed love relationships to misfire. It may look like complacency or emotional and social disengagement within the couple.

Divorce stats in America are amazing. In first marriages it is 50%, in 2nd marriages it is 67% and 3rd marriages it is 73%. Given these numbers, it would sound right that if you have a good relationship you would wish to keep it in good working order. Therefore , it'd be sensible to keep your wedding or committed relationship fine tuned like a musical instrument. Yet how many of us do this? In my 30 years of expertise in working with couples it has been extremely rare to see a couple present for treatment in the beginning stages of marriage or relationship discord. It is more normal to see couples present for treatment when there relationship is in so much trouble that it can not be ignored anymore.

According to famous therapist Doctor. John Gottman, who has spent 20 and years researching relationships, the first sign of a turbulent couple is when there are way more negative than positive interactions in their emotional repertoire, especially during conflict. The therapist’s goal is to help the couple in promoting positive outcome patterns. This is done thru having the ability to differentiate adaptive and maladaptive patterns.

The second indicator that advocates there's a problem is “nothing is good enough” syndrome. It is when everything you do is being scrutinized and criticised by your companion. The affect is more negative than positive. What appears in the relationship is what Doctor. Gottman appertains to as the “Four Horseman of the Apocalypse.” The four markers of this 2nd factor are, feedback, defensiveness, disregard and stonewalling. The therapist’s goal here is to teach the couple new ways of connecting with each other.

The third dysfunctional pattern is withdrawal/isolation. This is what is known as emotional disengagement. This may appear as a marked lack of sharing within the couple, marked by low love, humour, demonstration of interest in each other, excitement, playfulness, happiness, supportiveness and empathy. The therapist’s goal here is to suggest that the withdrawal must end.

The 4th indicator is repeated unresolved conflict and a failure to mend those conflicts. The aim of care here should be not on conflict avoidance but rather to help couples toward conflict resolution by augmenting their skill set in communication. This is realized by helping them to mend hurtful/irritated feelings. Couples require help to be told how to process their feelings in ways which support the relationship.

The 5th indicator has to do with what's known in psychology as “projection.” This is a protection mechanism whereby the individual fails to see his or her own gaffes and endowments all negative errors/marks to their partner. What is particularly interesting about this is that at the start of a relationship it is totally opposite. The individual will attribute more positive attributes/qualities to the partner than negative. So what is it that occurs in time in dysfunctional relations that changes this dynamic? According to the research it's the erosion of the friendship, the bedrock of the relationship that starts to go to pot over a period. Therefore , the antidote to this is to rebuild the friendship, as this is the source of the source of the relationship’s strength.

The 6th indicator is shutdown due to prolonged unresolved issues/debates. Issues overpower the couple and this leads on to fight or run in all relations, not only committed relationships. The explanation for this is that our physical arousal system is present. It is like being in a continued state of raised nervousness; with increased pulse rate, respiration, perspiration, and blood pressure. This state of lingering tension clouds our ability to listen and make decisions. The antidote is to help the couple develop awareness. Of their physical arousal and then learn stress-reducing strategies as well as self and other calming systems, which may enable them to be more present with one another. The goal is to extend productive dialoguing between the couple to promote problem fixing.

In summing up, a couple needs to stay aware, mindful, frolicsome, and compassionate with each other. Replenishing fellowship and learning new or forgotten ways of engaging with each other promote a good relationship.

Linda Comin practices relationship counseling in Temecula, CA. She will be able to found at Psychological consultant Temecula.